Let Us Begin

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today.

More

on October 18, 2011

It was one of those moments of overwhelming sadness,

I loaded into the car with the boys and headed to the doctor’s office where I would be picking up a letter…

the letter that would validate the life and death of our baby and allow us to go downtown to vital records to process a death certificate and transit permit allowing us to bring her body to the cemetery for burial later that week.

 

I have to say that the Lord has been so near through all of this.

I have felt grace sustaining me in ways that brings me to my knees and know that the countless prayers of friends and family, not to mention the intercession of our babies and their patrons from heaven have upheld me.  The strength given has been tangible. (so much more on that I would like to share later)

 

But right then…

I just felt like I was going to crumble beneath the weight of it.

 

For some reason (I think it was honestly to try to tune out the noise coming from the backseats), I turned on the radio.  I never  listen to the radio in my car.  If I play anything, it’s a kids’ song CD for Jack.

At that moment, I turned on the radio to the local Christian station and the second I did (not a second after or 5 seconds before but as if cued to the very instant I pushed the on button), this song began to play…

 

 

I know it is oozes of sappy sweetness but I have to say that I love this song.  I really do.  Call me a hopeless romantic and that’s okay with me because here’s the thing, I know every word of it to be true.

Back when I was doing mission work in Belize, Matthew West’s “More” was on one of the few compilation CDs that I had brought with me and I played it over and over again.  I would sing it to myself as I went about my work and the truth of it’s message of love took root more and more deeply in my soul.

During that time in my life, I came to know God’s overwhelmingly extravagant love for me in the absolute core of my being.  It defined me and determined my days.  It was my joy and my strength, my motivation to persevere when I was far from everything familiar and longed for the comforts of home.

 

It’s been five years now since I returned to the States and I don’t think I have heard that song since.

Jesus was with me in the car the day after my Veronica went home

and His Sacred Heart ached with each and every tear that fell on my steering wheel.

 

In His love for me, God played me not just any song but our song.

 

You could say that as a wife and mother, now enduring the loss of a second child, my walk with the Lord is less “romantic” than it was on mission.  Here is the thing, the honeymoon may be over, but the assurance of His love for me has only grown stronger with time.

I remember hearing something similar during the homily at a friends’ wedding a few years back.  The priest said that his hope was that the couple would look back on their wedding day in the years to come and think that they hardly loved each other then.  At first it sounds like a crazy comment to make but I’m with him.  As head over heels in love as I was with my husband the day we said “I do”, it was nothing compared to what it is after living four years of life together – serving side by side in ministry, working our way through medical school, buying and remodeling our first home, four pregnancies, two births and two miscarriages later.

 

So it is with the Lord, He has been with me through it all and He has never failed me yet.

In the times I have faltered, He has forgiven me.  In the times I have cried out, He has come to my aid.  When I am falling under the weight of the cross and the pain temporarily blinds me to the reality of His presence within me, when the darkness of Good Friday and emptiness of Holy Saturday are all I can see and I weep with Mary at the empty tomb wondering where they have taken my Lord,

He sings love over me that turns my gaze heavenward and strengthens my weary spirit.

 

I hear the angels’ alleluia of resurrection and I breathe in their Easter Sunday proclamation:

God is victorious.  The power of death could not contain Him.  

Oh death, where is your sting now that the tomb is empty?  

Oh death, where is your victory now that Jesus lives?  

Alleluia – He is Risen! 

 

These are the reminders that echo into in my brokenness…

that even on the cross, God is good.

It is in our dying with Him that we rise to new life.

 

and He “wants me to know that He’s not letting go even when I come undone…”

 

Yes,

Jesus loves me

more than I can fathom.

 

-Alison

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18


One Response to “More”

  1. Natalie says:

    Perfect… <3 I hold that last verse very close in my heart so often.

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