Let Us Begin

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today.

Loving Seraphia Caritas {Breaking the Silence in the Midst of Our Brokenness}

Oh my dear friends,

It is with trembling fingers and weak knees, a heart pierced through and poured out until empty that I am attempting to write a post that I never dreamed I would ever be writing…

I am compelled to write because I know many of you have been wondering how we are doing and starting to be concerned that I haven’t updated my Facebook page in a few days.  I have received multiple messages that you are praying and hoping that everything is still okay.  Apparently my sudden silence has been deafening… but how do I find the words to say what it is that I have to say to you?

You who have been supporting us and praying alongside of us deserve so much more than a mere status update and yet I still cannot begin to express adequately what is on my heart and I am not sure if the reality of it all has even really begun to sink in.  I kind of feel like I am walking in a dream and keep hoping against all hope that I will wake up soon from the nightmare of these past few days but it isn’t a dream…

This is real – the unthinkable has happened…

Seraphia’s birth mother backed out of her adoption at the very last moment.

After being her mommy and daddy for a week, taking her home with us and introducing her to her big brothers, we had to drive our Baby Girl to the adoption agency and give her back on Tuesday -

and so we will do our best to carry on knowing that Christ and the power of your prayers are carrying us even in the midst of our brokenness and gut-wrenching agony.

 

We know that your hearts break with ours.  We are so, so sorry that this is happening…

we know that you love her and have prayed for her

we know that you love us and hate to see us hurting

we are so very sorry for the pain that her absence in our lives will undoubtedly cause you too…

 

but please,

we beg of you,

do NOT allow this in any way to discourage any heart from adopting!

Refuse, alongside of us, to be mastered by fear or heartache because that is not of God.

 

We recognize in our story the potential for fear tactics so often used to scare families away from risking to love for the sake of a child through adoption and I think it would be so easy for people who hear what happened to us to feel validated in such a stance – confirming the worst case scenarios and exclaiming “I COULD NEVER DO THAT”.

(Believe me in our weaker moments, we have said similar things at least regarding domestic adoption – it is certainly not for the faint of heart)

BUT that kind of discouragement is the LAST THING we would ever want to happen!!!

because you know what?

 

SHE WAS WORTH IT!

 

This is not about whether we are cut out for heartbreak.  Who is?

No one wants to endure having their hearts ripped out of their chests and a baby ripped out of their arms.

We are not made from any different stuff than you are.  We will get through this and you could too.

Because it’s not about us and its never been about us!

We are not adopting to fill some void in our lives or to make us feel good or because we thought it would be easy.

We are the grown ups here.

It is about the worth and dignity and value of every child who deserves to have a family, a mother and father to love them and nurture them and care for their every need forever.

and it can be messy and ugly and painful

and there is sin and selfishness and heartache because such is our fallen human condition

 

but it is not Seraphia’s fault or any child’s fault.

We are talking about helpless, innocent children here!

 

Seraphia, like every child, is worthy of having someone fight for her.

 

We had the HONOR of being the ones God asked to step up to the plate on her behalf.

 

This we know for sure.  (If you read the ways He brought her into our lives, no doubt you are confident in that too.)

There was never any question what God was asking us to do.  And so in the midst of such turmoil and concern for her welfare and safety

(I can’t tell you how many times I wake up on the night to check on her, looking over to the side of my bed, her co-sleeper already packed away – and I panic for a moment wondering where she is and if she’s okay and then I remember and my concern for her only grows and so I pray and pray until I finally drift off to sleep only for it to happen again a short time later…)

even in this, there is a peace too that surpasses understanding – in knowing that we have done what God asked us to do.

We have been faithful and He is pleased and that is all that we can ever hope for.

I pray that in every moment, I will always have the courage to lean into the Lord and rely on His grace enough to do what LOVE requires of me and to never be motivated out of fear, paralyzed to the good heaven needs me to do.

 

We have NO REGRETS and would endure it all again

in. a. heartbeat.

 

We were Seraphia’s mommy and daddy for one incredible week

and she will always and forever be the child of our hearts.

God knew that she needed us and will continue to need us.

Although we may never see her sweet face again,

not a day will go by as long as I have breath in me that I don’t storm heaven on her behalf.

I ask that you continue to pray for her too.

 

Be not afraid my friends.

God is still good.

He is in control.

and He calls us to love without limits…

 

and although it may not have been His will for all that has transpired in the past few days to take place, He did allow it.

and we have to believe that He can bring grace and glory and resurrection even from this cross.

 

With all of our Love,

Alison

 

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Ready to Run

Well dear friends, I am finally taking the plunge and putting it out there… my heart revealed for the world to see.

My post, The Joys of Boys, is being featured over at “We are Grafted In” today.

Along with that, I have at long last shared the existence of this blog with the facebook world.

It’s funny, Let Us Begin, came into existence back in July to testify to the way God rocked my world over Memorial Day weekend.

Little did I know the seemingly insignificant choice of a book selected at random from my library shelf would change everything.

My status update read,

“I just finished reading The Waiting Child and my heart is undone.”

And that was the beginning of the end of life as I knew it before.

Since then, God has been consistently inviting me to enter ever more deeply into his heart for the orphan – over 143 MILLION worldwide!

My eyes were being opened and I knew that I never wanted to allow myself to close them again.

And so I started writing…

 

Today, I invite you to follow along as this blog begins.  It is a written testimony to the song God is singing, as much for myself as anyone else.  I want a place to record, to ponder, and to reassure myself when the chorus seems to fall silent that God indeed has spoken and continues to speak.  I need some accountability when I might long to rationalize a way back to the familiarity of my comfort zone.

Here it is in black and white.

There is no going back…

(-taken from my first post, Do-Re-Mi, written July 3rd)

 

It’s just as true today as it was then, except now I’m taking one more baby step towards the children God is calling me to love as my own through adoption by actually telling people about it (other than my closest family members and confidants).

I have only actually written a few posts about our adoption journey to date but rest assured that there will be many more to come.

This is happening.

Not in my timing to be sure but unfolding steadily and surely in God’s perfect will.

I heard someone say once that adoption is more of a marathon than a sprint.  I think I am beginning to understand what they were talking about and we are just warming up.  Heck, let’s be honest, I’m still lacing up my shoes and you can ask anyone on my high school track team, I’ve never been much of a runner.

I can still hear our coach coming up up behind me shouting, “Come on Robezzoli, get those little legs going!!!”  This is the same guy who thought it was a great idea to have my 4’10″ self run hurdles.  Even crazier, I let him convince me to go along with such madness.  I still remember my friend’s mom in the stands asking when they were going to to lower the hurdles for me.  Haha!  Wouldn’t that have been nice.  I had to be the slowest person on the team by far BUT I didn’t quit.

You see, once I set my mind on something, that’s pretty much it.

If it were up to me, I would have been on a plane to China months ago.  Obviously, that is not the way these things work.  Much preparation needs to be done before we arrive at that day.

You know what?  I am up for the challenge.

This is me putting my game face on.

Even if I am tempted to crawl under the hurdles that lie ahead rather than propel myself over them

and if it takes these little legs of mine a bit longer to cross the finish line than I would like,

the lesson I learned from track is this:

as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I will get there.  It really is as simple as that.

That was just when there was a varsity letter at stake!  These are my babies we are talking about now.  They are so much more than worth it.

I’m ready to run.

 

-Alison

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